Among the many definitions of “choice” the definition I like the best is “care in selecting.” I think this is the perfect definition when discussing marriage. I have been married to my amazing husband for five years now. It’s easy to make everything look peachy by using terms of endearment like “my loving, my caring, my handsome/beautiful, my giving, my everything” when describing your partner, but in my case I got lucky and really can describe my partner in all of those ways. Even with him being ideal for me, I still had to make a choice when he asked me to marry him. This was a HUGE choice for both of us.
We were friends for years before we began to date, but when we finally started dating – our engagement happened on the anniversary of our first year. He asked – I about fainted and said yes and then we sat there in awe of each other and this HUGE life choice we just made. He put a ring on my finger which to many people is a symbol of a promise. But I see that ring, and the wedding bands we wear as a constant reminder of the CHOICE we both made that day, and the choice we make every single day to be committed to this relationship and life with one another.
Viewing my marriage as a choice makes me have to think, evaluate, reevaluate, grow, be flexible and have grace with myself and my partner every single day. No one’s relationship is as perfect as it appears on social media. These are little snapshots of only the best times. Even the people closest to you don’t see the fight you had over the overflowing garbage can or how you wish he’d get up to comfort your screaming three year old in the middle of the night more. They see the smiling faces, the vacations, the treats and the good times. (I do however LOVE the people on insta who DO post the dirty laundry and help us all relate to each other just a little bit more – makes me laugh and realize we’re all in the same boat more or less.)
Some people would view 5 years of marriage as laughable – what does she know in just five years? Well, maybe nothing. But, maybe something! I have a lot of friends still in the dating game (and by the sounds of things, it IS an actual GAME these days) and some friends who are recently married or having weddings coming up very soon (congrats!!). So maybe my REAL life insight on the past five years can shed some light on this very important life choice and the amazing feeling of you getting to choose your partner every single day.
You will hear these topics discussed time and time again when articles on marriage "magically" pop up in your feed and so I’ll touch on them a little in my own way.
Communication: The idea of communication will be beaten into your head from the time you take premarital classes (if you so choose), to the unsolicited advice people at your bridal showers and even on your wedding day will lovingly give to you. Here is where choice comes into play again. You can choose to take this information, take it with a grain of salt, or not at all. What I’ll say about communication is yeah, it’s super important but it’s just one piece of the pie. You can communicate with your partner until you’re blue in the face, but if it’s not in a way that they best receive information – it may fall on deaf ears which can be frustrating. It’s worth having a discussion with your partner on how they will best receive information and it may be different depending on the topic. How would you like to receive negative feedback? Something I’d like you to change? How would you like me to express to you that I need something from you? Or want something from you? A simple conversation up front can really help you communicate with your partner in the most productive way. Nothing is ever easy, and some things you say will fall flat but keep the lines of communication open and keep communicating ON communication. There’s nothing more frustrating than talking to someone who you don’t feel is listening. This leads me to expectations.
Expectations: Just be reasonable. You know your partners capabilities. My biggest issue with this in my relationship and in my life in general is that I put the expectation on my partner and others that I hold myself to. If he cooks dinner, I would clean the kitchen. So if I cook dinner, I expect him to get up after dinner and clean up. When this doesn’t happen, I get frustrated because it differs from what I would do. This ties back to communication - where if I don’t VOICE my expectations, then how is he supposed to know what I expect? Voice your expectations and be flexible with what your partner can provide within reason. If you hold yourself to incredibly high expectations, make sure your partner knows that and have an honest discussion about what expectations are fair. You’re not always going to get what you want and vice versa and when you realize that ACCEPT that, life is a lot easier.
Get Over It: Some things will always bug you. There. I said it. I’m sure you don’t want to hear it, but after 5 years it’s a reality. I love my partner, but when he cracks his ankles I want to scream – still today! It drives me bonkers. I don’t love him less because of this, I just ask him to stop and we move on. And I’m sure he has a laundry list of things that still bug him about me – like me not putting every receipt in the budget as soon as I get home. I’m working on remembering to do it but honestly just kind of hate taking the time to write everything down. It just is what it is. He’s never going to stop cracking his ankles for good and I know that. He doesn’t even realize when he’s doing it! And I might never get to the point where I add my receipts to the budget on autopilot like he does, but I’m always working on it. At the end of the day, we still choose each other. The good outweigh the bad, always.
Mind vs. Reality: Don’t let your mind fog your reality. Your brain will ALWAYS find what it’s looking for. If you want to see the worst in your partner – your brain will find that for you. Why would you do that to yourself? You need to view your relationship for what it IS in reality. You can daydream about making your relationship different, or better – but you better follow that up with a real life conversation with your partner with equally as realistic expectations. Those are the only ways the changes will become your reality.
Conflict is an Opportunity: Issues and conflicts will come up. They may come up every day or you may go through many seasons on cloud 9. Relationships are fluid and you make of that what you will. Again, it’s a choice, but conflicts will inevitably arise – like it or not. You can choose to see these conflicts as a reason to fight and blow off steam – to get everything off your chest that you’ve been bottling up by choosing not to communicate and rather keep your expectations of your partner inside. OR – you can use the conflict as an opportunity to grow. You can use a conflict that comes up to hoan your communication skills with your partner. You can use this as an opportunity to openly talk about expectations and how you want things to be. Address issues that come up with love and respect. Don’t push the issues aside or bury them within yourself because you feel it’s easier at the time. They will boil to the surface at some point. In short – deal with that shit. Making the less than comfortable choice to face a conflict head on will benefit you and your relationship in the long run. It will show you and your partner that you’re invested in this relationship's survival and you’re willing to do what it takes, even the hard stuff, to help your relationship thrive.
Relationships don’t survive because we want them to. They survive because we make choices every day to strengthen our bond, grow together and love unconditionally. Viewing a relationship as a choice rather than a promise changes the dynamic of power you have over your destiny. You aren’t in the relationship because x number of years ago you made a promise to someone who might have, and probably has changed over time. You are committed to this person and as they change and grow, you do too because you see them for who they are every single day. It’s a lot more work to view a relationship as a daily choice, but without hard work, there isn’t a reward.
After 5 years, moving 4 times, owning 2 homes, changing jobs several times, and throwing a baby in the mix – we’re still making the choice to choose each other every single day. I think fondly of our wedding day, the love and friendship that surrounded us – but that was just the start of a lot of hard work. I look at my left hand often and I’d be lying if I didn’t say “I choose you, Pikachu!” (because I’m an adult baby) every time.
It’s a big choice! Choose wisely and keep choosing wisely every day.