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it's okay to be you - at christmastime too

All year, I feel encouraged by the people I surround myself by and the groups I follow (mostly feminist lefts) to embrace my uniqueness and to fully be ME. It’s empowering and I enjoy all the “YASS KWEEN!” and “YOU ARE A GODDESS” words of encouragement. I feel okay spilling my guts and being REAL with people about most aspects of my life. I have great days and super awful days, just like anyone else. I try not to paint the typical social media picture that everything is just peachy, because sometimes it really sucks.


The holidays are NO different and I’m here to say that I’m TIRED of the expectation that we can all just put whatever is really going on in our lives on hold for the month of December, put on a green sweater, paint our nails red and shine like the star on top of the freakin’ Christmas tree.


If you’re not spending your December labeling a million Christmas cards, hanging Christmas lights, decorating a tree, buying/wrapping/mailing gifts and baking a zillion batches of cookies– all while SMILING and being MERRY AF, then you’re all of a sudden labeled a Grinch. It’s like during the year, being you is enough, but during December, you better buck up and paint that smile on regardless of what life is throwing at you.


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Expectations can be hard for anyone – and the holidays are especially tough in America where Christmas is so commercialized and where if you’re not celebrating like the families on TV then somethings missing. For me, the holidays have been hard for years. I haven’t enjoyed Christmas probably since sometime in college when I was excited to go home and see my friends and family. Since then, it’s all just felt very forced and fake. I feel like the spotlight is on me and I need to be someone for everyone even though I’m carrying around a lot of pain, and honestly, missing people I really love a lot.


With this being said, it’s nearly impossible for me to fake it. I try so hard to be cheerful and go through the motions with a smile on my face, but my insides hurt. I miss my sister and my best friends. I miss going to midnight mass and laughing my face off at all the dogmatic traditions. I miss watching N’SYNC N The Mix repeatedly on video cassette (yes, I’m old) with Jenn and Eve while stuffing our faces with ferrero rocher chocolates. I desperately miss watching Home Alone while eating the cheesiest, best pizza ever (Nirchi’s – FIGHT ME) with Jack while we wrap presents to look perfect. These are the BEST memories I have of Christmas and I smile just thinking of them.


Being a highly sensitive person and an empath make the holidays that much harder for me. My mind wanders in a million different directions. I think about people who have lost loved ones this year and will miss them at Christmas dinner. People who have no homes or families. Kids who won’t get gifts from Santa and whose parents are at a loss as to what to tell them. Children separated from their parents at the US/Mexico bored. People who are estranged from their families and have an overwhelming sense of loss for a home life they're living without. I can go on and on and I spend time literally sobbing just thinking about these things. It's hard to smile and act like everything is okay when I feel so strongly for the people hurting.


I have an amazing husband and the sweetest little guy at home, and they DO bring me joy, but it’s hard to juggle everything when I still feel holes in my heart. Making new memories as a family definitely helps a ton, and I want nothing more than for my kids to absolutely love the holidays and be filled with the spirit of Christmas. However, I want it to be organic and for them to be excited about Christmas because it surrounds them, not because it’s expected of them.


I’m sharing all of this because I want you to know, regardless of expectations, it’s okay to not be okay - even at Christmas. It’s okay not to feel like you’ve got all your ducks in a row. It’s okay to feel the hurt you may have inside. It's okay to hurt for others, worse off than you. It’s okay to not have a picture perfect Hallmark family Christmas. What society expects of us and what we can provide are two very different things. I’m done faking it. I will feel joy when I feel it, and I will share that as best I can (like when Nsync’s “Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays comes on the radio – watch out! I get DOWN to that song). I’m doing the best I can, and for most of the year, that’s good enough. I making a point to remember that at Christmas too – it’s good enough.


I plan to find joy where I can. Give wholeheartedly to my family and anyone else I have a capacity to do so for. Gift myself peaceful time alone and prepare my heart and mind for what’s to come in the new year. I hope you find your own peace and joy during the holidays and ignore society's expectations. You do you, boo 🖤



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