Words can be so powerful when you’re growing up and trying to figure out who you are and what you’re worth. I was given very conflicting opinions growing up, one parent always calling me selfish and the other always commenting on what a big giving heart I have. I never knew what to believe and the negative opinion was spoken much more than the positive one so over time, I began to believe it. I just came to accept that I was a selfish person and didn’t like the way that label made me feel. I wanted to change that opinion so badly that I would go above and beyond to show people that I was NOT selfish, and instead was a giving, caring person but in doing so spent decades being walked all over and treated less than kind because I wouldn’t stand up for myself. After all, that would be selfish, right?
I've had several relationships with people who knew well how to take advantage of me and I let them because I “cared” for them. Caring for someone to me at the time meant that I would be there for them 100%. Anything they needed, I did. I would bend over backwards to please. If my moral compass was going haywire, I didn’t care because they NEEDED me to do this or that for them. It wasn’t about me; it was about NOT being seen as selfish. This pored over into every facet of my life from romantic relationships, friendships, family relationships and even work relationships. I would give and give and give and if the other person wanted to take advantage of that, I let them. I thought that was just how it worked. It was always a 90-10 relationship for the people who chose to use me.
Recently finding out that I’m a highly sensitive empath has really opened my eyes to why my life has been such an emotional roller coaster. Not only did I do whatever these people wanted me to do to “prove” that I wasn’t selfish – but this went as far as me taking on their emotional baggage and every little thing that they felt to take it off their plate. I don’t think I consciously knew I was doing this, but it was SO draining. Anytime a boyfriend or friend had a bad day at work and wanted to vent, I was right there listening attentively and trying my best to come up with possible solutions to the problems. My dad always called me the “fixer.” He would tell me time and time again, some things just can’t be fixed or it’s not YOUR job to fix them. I never truly understood this until recently. He was right, I can’t always fix everything for everyone, and ya know what? I really don’t want to anymore. I’ve got enough “stuff” to fix for myself to last me this lifetime if not more.
I had an amazing therapist about a decade ago that gave me a visual that I still use regularly. She said whenever someone projects their issues onto you, imagine them packing a little suitcase with all of their issues and handing it over to you. They can’t hand it over to you if you don’t actively take hold of their suitcase. If you turn away, you don’t take their suitcase. If you, for whatever reason, still take hold of their suitcase it can pop open and their “stuff” (stuff being – their anxiety, anger, stress and the like) will be yours to handle. To resolve this, imagine packing all their stuff back into their suitcase and handing it back to them. It’s their stuff to deal with, not yours. I use this time and time again. When someone comes to work in a mood and wants to rage about having a bad drive in or whatever else is causing them an issue that day, I just imagine turning away – I don’t want that suitcase, it’s not mine. If for some reason I don’t act fast enough and accept their little suitcase, I literally imagine packing up all the stuff back into their suitcase and imagine handing it back over to them. This has been super helpful in me realizing when I’m taking on someone else’s feelings that aren't my own. Giving it back to them frees me of holding onto feelings that aren’t actually mine.
I had a much needed wake up call recently from not refusing other people’s suitcases and it taught me a valuable lesson. Last year while working in Boulder I had a job that I more or less liked, with people I liked more than the job itself. I had fun seeing them every day and I felt like I brought a little spark to the otherwise boring corporate culture. I became close with my coworkers and we spent many evenings after work at a local brewery just shootin’ the shit. We had prank wars the entire month of October in the spirit of Halloween and I’d like to think we still did a superb job at our jobs while still having fun. As time went on, the running of the company began to feel more like a dumpster fire. People were quitting left and right and soon layoffs would begin. It turned from fun to everyone complaining all of the time, and me being me, I wanted to fix it all for everyone! I wanted to listen and provide comfort; I would bring in treats to drum up morale and tried to be a sounding board to anyone who needed it. Little did I know I was internalizing everyone’s stuff and it became overwhelming and incredibly exhausting.
I had a definite soft spot for a co-worker who I felt I connected with because we both seemed “lost.” I was new to the area, didn’t know many people and was just kind of out of sorts for a while. This person seemed to be in the same boat and so I took it upon myself to show them that someone cared and felt the same way. We worked on the same accounts together and they opened up to me a lot more than to others. I could see a lot of pain masked behind them trying to been seen as everyone’s best friend and down to help wherever they were needed. This all seemed to be a façade and I wanted to show them that people would like them regardless and they didn’t have to present themselves in any sort of way to be liked and appreciated. Looking back at it, it seemed like I was trying to help them realize what I myself still needed to realize.
When we moved to the mountains I thought I had left all the “stuff” behind me. I mean, I no longer worked there so what did I care if the ship was sinking? But I had made such close friends that I was still there for them whenever they needed it. I would listen to all the stories of shit hitting the fan and how they just couldn’t stand it and they happily continued to hand over their little suitcases filled with their stuff. I kept collecting them and they were piling up everywhere. I had so much stress, but NOTHING in MY life was stressful.
I was still in constant contact with the aforementioned co-worker and started to realize some things. This was just another 90-10 relationship. I had given, like literally brought in treats, assisted with work, been a shoulder to cry on and a sound board for stressors and I had gotten nearly nothing back. If I was having a tough day, I’d get more of “it be like that sometimes” type of response. I realized that I was just a convenience. Realizing this DIDN’T feel good. I thought I was helping and it felt good feeling needed by them. I thought my friendship was cherished, but it wasn't. In order solidify this realization; I did a little ghosting experiment. Now, if someone I talked to on the daily just disappeared from my life, I would be reaching out to make sure they were okay and seeing if I could help them in anyway. So I disappeared from their lives. Didn’t text, email, make a peep for a week and they didn’t even seem notice. They didn’t reach out once. I could have been dead and buried and it seemed like they could care less. This helped me to realize that this was a very one sided relationship and that I needed to cut this relationship short and focus on myself.
This clearly isn’t my forte, so it REALLY hurt. When I make a connection with someone, I never see an ending because it’s really hard for me to branch out and make that connection in the first place. I called them out and asked “don’t you think it’s kind of weird how we go from talking all the time to nothing?” and their response was some bullshit lip service that I refused to accept. I, in true Sara fashion, couldn’t just leave it there though. I needed there to be a definite end – book closed never to be opened again. I decided to tell them what was really going on; to get it off my chest and gain closure. I told them I am in a place now where I am fully focusing on myself and my family. I am healing, learning and growing spiritually and because of that, I can no longer focus on them because my primary focus is myself. This was incredibly difficult to do. It hurt worse when I didn’t hear back in regards to my statement. Again, I had an expectation that I would receive the same kind of response that I would give and that’s just not how this relationship worked. After a few days, I received an “I understand” message. And that’s that. That’s all I needed to close that chapter. I still think of them, hope they’re well and the like. I’ll still get a random ranting message here and there but instead of seeing a message from them and having it fill me with delight and a willingness to help, I have to breath, refocus, fold my arms as to not take their suitcase, and politely ignore the message. It’s hard to do, but it’s getting easier.
Through my life and especially this experience, I’ve realized a few things. I’ve always seen shutting someone out as “selfish” but realize now it’s not selfish at all. It’s self-care. I need only to remain in relationships that aren’t totally one sided. I have amazing friends who are there for me, lift me up and I feel amazing doing the same for them. I am tired of my life force being drained by people who don’t deserve my attention.
I’ve also realized that being called selfish as a child and working my entire life to shed that label was me just taking someone’s OPINION as a FACT. I was young and impressionable and just believed myself to be whatever my parent told me I was. I am now gracefully packing up that little suitcase and giving that opinion back to its original owner. It’s not mine to hold anymore. It’s SO freeing when you realize that someone’s opinion of you doesn’t actually define you. You can take it or leave it. I’ve held this opinion as a truth for decades and am now becoming free of it. I’m sorry that the person had this opinion of me, but I now feel it was more of a reflection of them than me. It’s their baggage, no longer mine so good riddance!
I plan to continue to work hard on myself mentally and spiritually. I’m learning something new every single day and it feels amazing. I’m learning to differentiate other people's opinions of me verses true facts of who I am. I am cutting ties with toxic people and one sided relationships. Will I stumble? Yep! Will I rebound? Absolutely! More than anything I’m learning this is all a process and not something where I can pinpoint a defined result. I am seeing patterns of behavior and working to improve them to better the outcome of similar situations I may face in the future. May the progress continue!